oh my god damn.
2005-02-01 @ 11:20 p.m.

fuck. i miss jessica so much. i haven't talked to her since yesterday evening and it feels like she's a million miles away. we barely waited a whole day before we started looking into seat sales and hotel + airfair deals. how am i going to make it without you? how am i going to do all this alone? you were my safety net intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. did you really leave for me? did you leave to make me something better? stronger? are you trying to make something out of me? i tried to tell mike that the reason i was afraid to say goodbye was because i didn't know how to be brave without you there to understand all the time. how am i going to say things in front of people i don't know? how am i going to be funny unless you're there to laugh at my jokes? what do i say in awkward situations, now that i don't have your eyebrow to look for - you're eyebrow that always raises just before you break out laughing. it's too early to write all of this. it's too early to feel sorry for myself, and still i can't sleep. i just can't fucking sleep. i wonder what you're doing, who you're talking to, where you're eating, what you're thinking about and most of all, if you're sad. today veronica and i talked about being floaters and loners and the true profundity of friendship in light of "few and far between", but long distance makes everything i have to say to you seem trivial. i hate it. i hate not calling you RIGHT NOW. i saw spencer brown and i wanted to tell him that you're going away gift was really sweet. i wanted to tell him that i appreciated it, and i thought that was kind of creepy. i was also almost crying, which made it feel/seem even creepier. i don't want to call kevin because i kind of want to blame a little of this on him - even thought it's completely not his fault. it's really nobodies fault. it's really not even a bad thing. i'm not sure if i'm actually done spilling out all of this, but i've made it this far without sobbing at my computer desk and this seems about the time that i should start walking myself back through the positive side of this whole thing. i'm so so proud of you. i think you're so so brave. if i can admit that all of my optomism is hinging on my hopes that maybe this is a nice long vacation and in a month you'll come back to me - surer than ever that this is where you want to be - and you don't hate me for being totally and utterly selfish, than fine. i'll admit that now that you're gone, all flown away and settled in. you're just so missed, that no matter how proud, how overwhelmingly, sincerely and totally proud i am, you're just so missed. oh my god i'm crying again.

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