Who knows what you're waiting for.
2005-04-19 @ 12:35 a.m.

It's good to be this close to done. Three more exams - by friday night I'll be sipping martinis with Shannon and Ella, toasting to one year closer to that coveted degree.

Tonight when mike and I respectively got home, we made a small dinner of shrimp salad, soup and chiobata. That may or may not be anywhere close to how you spell it, but it's the chewy bread with kind of an italian oil taste to it. Dizzo and I spent the day together, drinking beano chai lattes and mostly, just relaxing. I bought new Gas Jeans, partly to celebrate the end of research papers for (hopefully) the next few months of recreational education (until next fall), and partly just for fun. even mike thought that was nice. tomorrow; cigarettes, breakfast and studying with Shannon, 7:00pm - Sociology final.

Jon came by work this week. It was probably nothing, but maybe it's time I fess up to some things. Like that I'm not really interested in most of the people that I know. Like, that I don't care who's dating who or what bands may or may not be coming through calgary. He laid this guilt trip on me, that mike and I "never come out anymore". Am I arrogant or tired? I love my friends, but are they my friends anymore? Today Dizzo and I talked about how hard it is to make real friends. I keep asking myself who these people are. I'm eighteen years old and pretty much, if you're not working full time, going to school full time or seriously figuring out which you'd rather do - I'm not interested. It's like, I love all of the people I know, but I have no drive to go to their parties or talk about their love lives or listen to their cd's. I don't like to drink until I'm so drunk that I don't remember the evening. I hate drugs. I hate scene gossip, allegiances and trite, bastardized ideals. I do not want to talk about genres, or social hierarchies that dictate prestige and respect. Frankly, I don't understand how the people I knew last year are still doing what they were doing last year. I'm trying not to sit here and write about how well I'm doing or how proud I am of all the things that I've accomplished in the last year. The truth is that some days I wake up and wonder if I can really do all of this. Some days I don't want to babysit my tenants, or do my homework, or study for my exams, or go to work, buy groceries, pay my bills... but I do it. I keep pushing myself to do it. I take on these responsibilities, because that's life. Because it's neccesary even if it's not always perfect. I think about these people that I know, these people who's parents are still paying for their cars, their movie dates, their takeout and their concert tickets - don't you want something more? don't you crave that satisfaction, that quiet reality when you're alone in your apartment on a monday night, when you've booked the week off work to study for finals, and you can drop your shoulders and bask in the glow of your premature independence? is it premature, or does independance always feel premature - because nobodies ever really "ready"? Maybe it's just a matter of who wants what. I want a family, a law degree, a career in making change and a deep sense of self satisfation at the age of fourty. Maybe that's why I respect Scott so much, when I forgive him all of his romantic blunders. Scott knows what he wants, at the tender age of twenty something. He wants a coffee house, a quiet small business and a degree that will help him get there. And I think, Scott is a person who knows what he wants, and how he's going to get there. Once when quinn and I were in Poli Sci waiting for class to start, I commented on a young girl - that I thought she was unusually beautiful. Like, not really pretty, just really self aware. And Quinn said, Yeah. She knows who she is. I thought that was so incredible, and I realized that I wanted to be a person who knows who they are. What do you want? How will you get there? It's like that story about that boy who wants a new amp, and is just waiting for God to leave it in his bedroom over night. Are you willing to wait the rest of your life for someone else to make your dreams come true? Are you that naive? My dad always says, if dreams were easy to realize, everybody would be living their dreams. Nothing worth doing comes easy. Thinking about that kind of keeps me going.

I love my friends. Hell, I even like them. For me, I don't want to be a person who's not comfortable voicing these opinions. To know who I am, I have to realize that I think this way. Maybe I'm wrong. I want my friends to be people who can tell me when I'm wrong, and be honest with me always.

...what a fucking reflection to be having at one a.m. I have to be up at nine to study!

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