i think i heard her singing.
2004-11-19 @ 9:06 a.m.

everything feels remarkably synchronized. i dreamt about chris and the horses. i remember walking around the stable, ripping up handfulls of grass, unreachable to the horses who only trampled the ground, pushing the prized grass further and further from themselves. i remember being so afraid that ryan would find us and ruin everything. do we spend all our lives looking back on the people we've loved? do widows live their dying days regretting all the men they've loved and hurt and all the friends that've come and gone? my friends aren't old enough. i need to meet some sixty year olds instead of thirty year olds. maybe they can give me all the answers. maybe they have wisdom enough for my lack thereof. i want to lead the perfect life. yesterday natu's husband came to visit at work. a married mother of three clapped her hands and ran across the floor to bury her face in the chest of the man she loves. i smiled and told her that i hoped my marriage would be so full of joy. sometimes i think that we are not a football team by minus the bear is the secret to everything. should i throw away my apprehensions? are they really protecting me from anything? i worry about money when i'll never have to. i worry about jessica, who is even more capable than i. i worry about mike, who in turn worries about me. i worry about my marks, which probably makes them worse rather than better. i worry about my parents. a lot. i worry about my brothers and sisters, who are turning out just fine. it doesn't help anything. i'm not helping anything. i wonder sometimes if i'll ever make a difference anywher. is anybody out there? have i made your life better? have i shown you something you didn't know was there? have i acheived in you something you thought unacheivable? i want to leave the world a better place, and this seems about the time that my sixty year old friends would say something really philosophical like, 'Lauren, change is something that only ever really happens in you. leave the world a better person.' how the hell do i do that?

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