i will love this life forever.
2004-10-28 @ 10:53 p.m.

what is this feeling? realignment? with the exocytosis of old resentment comes this sensation of reharvesting. something feels new and something feels tired. saying goodbye to someone. speaking candidly with someone. talking abstractly about someone. reigniting something with someone. why is today so full up? where are you all coming from, ghosts and apparitions alike? with hours of hard work and studious labor ahead of me, i feel confidant. i feel stable, steady, straight. i wish jessica were here to watch from across the room and nod when i get lost. i wish michael were here to kiss my cheek and make me feel small. i wish daryl were here to laugh at all of this. i wish john were here. i almost always wish john were here, and he almost never is. the world is too small for me, and somehow i don't have enough time for all of it. this is too deep for me. too real for me. for the first time in some months i'm starting to feel like i know myself again. like i recognize myself. maybe the fact is that the path to self realization is two teired. like sometimes you're walking dead ahead and everything is narrow and crystaline, and sometimes without realizing it, you've got to walk in the completely other direction, so that when you get back to that straight and narrow - you're something better. are we better now? are we bigger now? are we older now? are we wiser now? are we robbed of our wiseness with the word wise? do wise men say wise? do brilliant women say brilliant? do courageous men say courageous? to be true to ones self does one have to be oblivious? voltaire says that if you ask everyone you ever meet to tell you their life story they'll relate to you something invariably comparable to your own. that they might have lived in a golden house and eaten from silver plates, and even though your families dead and you've lost your dog (because voltaire is never serious or brooding) their one story about stubbing their toe will to them be comparative and in that, very real. very tangible. very relateable. and i liked that. i thought that was good.

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