wanting to sit and to laugh all the time
2005-03-03 @ 9:07 a.m.

sometimes cat poer can make it feel like nothing really bad ever happened; like, you were never wrong and i wasn't really a child, but youthful. and words of a lesser degree, like cat power suggests to me, make things seem pale and subtle and dilute. sometimes i worry that if i supress enough in the interest of productivity i might sleep walk one night and hurt a lot of people. yesterday i said, 'It's like it's taken so many years of waves coming and going and coming back again to get to this place, any place, where it was safe to put myself down, that i don't know how to let it go all at once. now it's taking so long to sort out the peices. sometimes i feel too daunted to even want to. sometimes i'm angry with God. sometimes i don't even want you to pray for me - like i'm afraid he'll just screw things up worse.'

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