there is no compromise.
2005-01-16 @ 8:34 p.m.

i miss john so much. i missed him tonight at church. we were reading about moses, before the real meat our mount sanai, and we got to talking about his children. moses named all of his children for the most prevalent things in his life at the time of their births. warren talked about his children, and the names he'd given them. amandas middle name is charis, the greek word for grace. we all talked about our names, and what names we would take from biblical settings, which would be most appropriate to ourselves. i love the way my community gives rise to some of my most important thoughts, realities, realizations and inner workings. i said that i thought i would name myself magdalene, for mary. mike asked why, and i admitted that it was because i was a whore in a lot of ways before i became a christian. not that i was entirely promiscuous, but i was a whore for ideologies. for the literature i read and indulged in. for the social ladders i climbed and the way of life subscribed to. and i fell away from that, the same way she did. and i found peace the same way she did. and i think, right now, in a lot of ways the growing i'm doing is very much so in the opposite direction. my life is a zigzag i would never abandon. i would never repent. i would never disdain. but i said that, i think the biggest obstical in my life right now, is learning how to put the past in it's place and move on with the rest. i struggle a lot with things from yesterday. not always neccesarily things i've done or choices i've made, but sometimes just things that happened. places i went. people that came to me. went by me. and are behinde me. i hate the idea of psychoanalyzing all of it. if trudging through it with an intellectual jackhammer and smithing out the peices to make sense of them. it seems so cliche. and dauntingly painful. and still, somehow i think i have to. i told mike that it was funny, because for him it's so clear to see the way things are and the way they should be. he says absent minded things about people and their choices and their abilities - and i wonder. why don't you judge me the way you judge them? why have i not been sized up in your scope, when i am first in line for judgement. i have made every mistake you hate. every choice you loath. and yet here i am, on your doorstep, in your bed and furthermore, your arms. isn't it funny how God brings us together? we polar opposites; we dualities in contradiction. today i realized that if there is one thing i have learned in the past two years - one thing which stands out among the many lessons i have endured - it's that the best part of life is making it.

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